If You're Not a Friggin Tard You Will Prevail
by lynne-monstr
Summary: Crack Fusion #2. It's world meeting time and America is determined to let the other nations know that everyone's a hero in their own (not that heroic) way. Kink meme de-anon for the prompt: America gives the 'Everyone's a Hero' speech from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.


_Lots of lines taken from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which I don't own.  
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This was it.

Another world meeting.

They were only supposed to be an annual occurrence, but due to how frequently the discussions seemed to degenerate into name-calling and open-palm slaps, it was decided to hold them monthly instead. It was the only way to get all the work done. This year (or as it would probably end up, each meeting this year) he was trying to raise awareness about the ever growing gap between the world's richest and poorest citizens. Because dammit, everyone's a hero in their own way, and, America's way was to get some shelters built.

After weeks of preparation, he was ready. He stood in his favorite bomber jacket of Freedom before the gathered nations, poised to fight for Justice. But first he got out his notes.

"I hate the homeless—" crap, what was the next line! He quickly flipped to the next card, "—ness problem that plagues our countries." As he continued speaking, he realized that heroes needed to speak from the heart. Heroes didn't use tiny cue-cards. He tossed them over one shoulder and looked out earnestly over his audience.

"Everyone's a hero in their own way," he started, and wow that that was deep. This speaking from the heart thing was pretty sweet. "You and you," he pointed to England and France, "and mostly me," because even though he was Justice's newest name (besides Justice, that is) didn't mean he could start lying, "and you," one last final point over to Germany.

"Is this a joke," protested France, apparently none too pleased with being relegated to only a second class hero.

Like some sort of dam had broken, a chorus of voices swelled up.

"Bastard! We're heroes too!" shouted Romano.

"We're just like you!" chimed in Veneziano.

Undaunted, France shot a quick glare at the Italies and continued. "No, you misunderstand. Why are we wasting time with your alcoholic bums when there are real, larger economic issues to discuss."

America leaped from his place at the front of the room over to the conference table, slamming his fists against the mahogany in disgust. The entire wooden table shuddered. "A HERO DOESN'T CARE IF YOU'RE A BUNCH OF SCARY ALCOHOLIC BUMS!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

That shut everyone up pretty quickly.

He continued with his speech, not moving away from the table. Where was he…heroes, bums, oh yeah! "Everyone can blaze a hero's trail. Don't worry if it's hard."

From somewhere, there was a choked-off snicker. Was that Prussia – what was he doing here? America pushed the thought aside and made to continue. Heroes didn't get distracted.

Before he could start back up there was another interruption, this time from Germany. "You're not the only one with problems, America. We all have domestic difficulties and—"

"They're not as cool as mine," America countered.

"—and this isn't going to make a discernible impact on the larger macroeconomic issues that we should be discussing," Germany finished. He then glanced over at France, who nodded back in solidarity.

But America wouldn't be daunted. He was poverty's newest sheriff and he was bashing in the slums, dammit. Right here, right now. "Everyone's got something they can do," he responded passionately to the rebuke, sweeping his arms wide so it was clear he meant _everyone_.

Next to him, England dodged his outstretched arm and half stood, leaning over to mutter into his ear. "America, what do you think you're doing?"

"Dude, isn't it obvious. I'm flexing the deltoids of compassion here! I'm bashing in minds!"

If England had a response to that, it went unsaid.

Because it was at that instant when a previously unnoticed Canada, in a flurry of evil laughter, unveiled his death ray and the entire speech was thankfully forgotten.


End file.
